


In Which the Gods are Entertained

by VampireApple



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 14:52:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11580333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireApple/pseuds/VampireApple
Summary: Dionysus finds out that Hades loves Persephone. He spreads the news all around Olympus. The gods watch the ensuing chaos with relish.





	In Which the Gods are Entertained

**Author's Note:**

> This had been rolling around in my head for like three years. I found lots of lovely Hades and Persephone stories, and while they’re interesting, they’re all serious. I don’t do serious so much. So I wrote a crackfic. Enjoy!

Dionysus hated coming to the Underworld. It was something he avoided at all costs. However, his favorite actor had died by choking on wine while in bed with Egyptian triplets- a death Dionysus normally would have applauded but it was at least ten years before the man’s time and he was pretty sure the fates hated him so he wanted to talk to Hades to see if anything could be done. 

“Ferryman, where is your Master?”

“Not here.”

Dionysus realized he had been talking to a large rock and turned around to talk to the actual ferryman. Maybe he’d had more wine than he’d thought… “Fetch him. I have a matter of great importance to speak to him about.” Dionysus paused, confused. “I didn’t know there was a place called Not Here in the Underworld.”

Charon sighed with exaggerated patience. “That’s because there’s not.”

Dionysus stomped his foot. “But you just said-”

“I meant that he left.”

“Left? Left where? How? Did he leave of his own free will? Oh, no, he’s been godnapped!” Dionysus slapped his hands to his face dramatically. “I must alert Zeus and-”

“He went to talk with Athena,” Charon cut in. 

“Athena? Why?” Dionysus scratched his head. He almost unbalanced himself but was able to keep from falling down. 

“He wanted her advice on his lady love.”

“Lady love? What lady love? Hades is in love?”

Charon rubbed his eyes, feeling a headache coming on. “Some goddess of spring.” When he opened his eyes the annoying god was gone. “Good riddance.”

. . .

“Aphrodite! Aphrodite! Aaaaphrooodiiiiteeee!”

The goddess of love closed her eyes, and braced herself. “What?”

“I have a really, really, really important question to ask you!” Dionysus announced, bouncing the last few steps to her. 

“Please ask away,” and then go away, she thought. 

“Is Hades in love!”

Aphrodite was nonplussed. “What?”

“Is! Hades! In! Love!” he repeated slowly, and not slurred this time. Mostly. 

“Are you drunk?” 

“No! Okay, a little bit! But my question is still valid!”

Aphrodite looked at him like he’d lost his mind. More so than usual. “I am pretty sure Hades is not in love.”

Dionysus leaned in closer, still yelling. “Are you sure! Can you check! Please!”

She sighed, figuring it would be easier to humor him. She summed a scroll and glanced at it. She made a choking noise. “Hades is in love with Persephone!”

Dionysus squealed as gleeful as any child. “I have to go tell Apollo!”

Aphrodite was left staring at the scroll, dumbfounded. She summoned the scroll from Persephone. “Oh, this is going to be interesting.”

. . .

“Apollo! Apollo! Apooolloooooo!” Dionysus spun around Apollo’s favorite temple. 

“Would you shut up!”

“I must speak with you!” Dionysus turned around, trying to find the voice. 

“What could you possibly want?”

“Oh, there you are! You will never guess what I found out!”

“What?” Apollo crossed his arms and scowled. 

“Hades is in love!”

Apollo started at him. “Are you drunk?”

“A little bit! Why does everyone keep asking me that!”

“Because you put ‘Hades’ and ‘love’ in the same sentence?”

“Its true!” Dionysus defended himself. “Aphrodite confirmed it!”

Apollo’s eyebrows rose. “Who is he in love with?”

“Persephone!”

He had to think a minute. “Zeus and Demeter’s daughter?”

“Yeeees!” Dionysus said with relish. 

“Oh, this is going to be good.”

. . .

Six months had passed since Dionysus had spread the word that Hades was in love with Persephone. The news had spread like wildfire. In fact, everyone knew except Hades, Persephone, Demeter, Hera and Zeus. Bets were being placed. Minions were being sent to the underworld to spy on Hades. Gods and Goddess were suffering through visits with Demeter to talk with Persephone as well. 

Everyone was anxiously awaiting for the day when something happened. Hades would keep Persephone. Demeter would find out. Persephone would walk away from Hades. Olympus was ripe with speculation. 

Then one day it happened. 

. . .

“Hestia!”

“What Eris?”

“Its happening! Eileithyia said that Antheia saw a letter that Persephone left for Detemer saying that she was going to live in the Underworld and be queen!”

“We have to go there now!”

. . .

“I wish I could see Zeus’ reaction when Demeter bursts in on him,” Nyx said wistfully.

“Zeus doesn’t know?” Nike asked in surprise.

“No. Zeus, Hera and Demeter are the only ones who do not know,” Nyx replied. “Hermes will have to retell the story of Zeus’s reaction over and over again.”

. . . 

Hades puzzled over why there were so many gods and goddesses in the Underworld. They never came here. He started counting, doing a mental tally. Only five were not in the throne room. 

“Why are you here?” he asked the group in general. 

“Oh, Zeus and Hera are fighting. Again,” Ares explained. 

“And my realm is the one everyone chose to hide in,” he replied skeptically. 

“You can hear them fighting everywhere else but here,” Morpheus quickly cut in.

Hades accepted the explanation. At least Persephone would have guests for their wedding. Guests who had brought their own wine and baskets of grapes. Very odd. 

. . .

“Pssst. Zeus Psssst.”

Zeus woke quietly from his ‘nap’ with Hera and made little noise, a habit honed from years of slipping out of beds. He turned to see Hermes crouched on the floor. “What?” he whispered. 

“Demeter is here to see you.”

Zeus sighed and rolled his eyes. Very carefully both gods left the room. 

As soon as they entered the throne room Demeter started screaming. 

“Zeus! We need to talk about your brother!”

Zeus sighed heavily. “What has Poseidon done now?”

“Not Poseidon, Hades!”

“Hades?”

“Yes, Hades! He has defiled my daughter!”

“Hades?”

“Yes! He has kidnapped her and is probably torturing her now! You must save her!”

Zeus tilted his head to one side and scratched his bread. “I’m confused. Which brother are we talking about?”

Demeter started screeching and Zeus tuned her out. 

. . .

Dionysus was getting bored. Nothing was going on, people were just milling around. He was contemplating the idea of bumping into Apollo to make him spill wine on Artemis when there was a big boom. Demeter, Persephone, Zeus and Hermes had arrived! Dionysus grabbed five more bottles of wine and settled in for a good time. 

. . .

Hera woke up alone in bed. This was not unusual. What was unusual was how quiet it was. She wondered around looking for anyone. 

“Hello?”

The sound echoed all around her. 

“Where is everyone!”

. . .

Dionysus was not enjoying himself. There was a lot of screaming and not the good drama kind. Just the kind that gave him a headache. 

Demeter and Persephone were screaming at each other-

“-stay away from-”

“-love and there’s nothing-”

“-will kill everything-”

“-not a child anymore-”

-Zeus was trying to scold Poseidon-

“-and its completely understandable, she is hot, but her mother is a little upset-”

“For the last time! I didn’t touch her!”

“If I could count the number of times I’ve said that!”

-and Hades looked like he wished he was dead. If Dionysus wasn’t so drunk he might have felt a little sorry for the poor god who was used to calm and order. 

“That is it!” Persephone thundered. She could really take after her father, Dionysus mused. 

“Mother, this is my wedding day, and I am going to be Queen of the Underworld and there is nothing you can do to stop it!”

“You go girl,” Aphrodite muttered. 

“I will drag you out of here by your hair!” Demeter threatened. 

“Sore loser,” Hestia commented. Demeter glared at her sister. 

Persephone reached into her pocket and pulled out three pomegranate seeds and ate them. “There! Now I have to stay here half the year!” She grabbed Hades and wouldn’t let him go.

“Is that even true? Why would eating seeds make her stay?” Artemis wondered. 

“Then I’m killing all plant life while you’re here!”

“You always have been a selfish idiot,” Athena said. 

The two goddesses started to argue before Zeus finally understood what was going on. 

“Wait!” Zeus thundered, though not as impressively as Persephone had earlier. “You’re objecting to Persephone marrying Hades? Not Poseidon?”

“Yes!” Practically everyone yelled at him. 

“How stupid are you Demeter? Hades is one of the best gods- calm, even tempered, and he even have those stupid morals the mortals go on about. I give my blessing to this union. Zeus out.”

Demeter stared in shock at the spot Zeus had been. 

“As Queen of the Underworld, my first decree shall be this! Any god or goddess still here in the next thirty seconds will be fed to Cerberus!”

“Reception party on Olympus!” Dionysus yelled, throwing his hands in the air and spilling wine everywhere.

“Wait, what about Hera!” Apollo yelled. 

Everyone paused. 

“Reception party at Osiris’s!” Dionysus yelled.

All the others cheered and left. 

Hades looked deep into Persephone’s eyes. “You are amazing and I love you.”

Persephone kissed her husband. “Don’t worry babe, I got your back.”

. . .

Osiris was happily reading a book when the entire Greek Parthenon landed in his living room. He stood up and was about to yell at them to leave when he got hit in the face with a crate of wine.

. . .

Three days later the Greek gods and goddesses finally returned to Mount Olympus, where they found a note. 

“I hate all of you. I’m going to Figga’s and never coming back. All my hate, Hera.”

“Whoooo! Hera’s gone party!” Dionysus yelled.


End file.
